I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
