i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
