I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
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you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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