I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
