I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
