Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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