I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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