So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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