so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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