I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
