I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
