What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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