I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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