you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
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Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
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You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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