WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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