a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
