when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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