If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
