dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
