if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
