OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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