I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
