Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
