I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
