Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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