Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
