I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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