If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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