Texts From Last Night

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  (210): View more from Texas

  How crunk are you?

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins

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  (210): How crunk are you? (713): I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins http://tfl.nu/q3sf
  Replies (3) Good night (2040) Bad night (579)
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."

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  (330): Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy." http://tfl.nu/8mx4
  Replies (15) Good night (3677) Bad night (940)
• Favorite

  (469): View more from Texas

  In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.

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  (469): In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar. http://tfl.nu/7dw6
  Replies (5) Good night (2431) Bad night (1115)
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here

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  (519): i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here http://tfl.nu/yje7
  Replies (7) Good night (2639) Bad night (985)
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?

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  (360): Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot? http://tfl.nu/quvh
  Replies (22) Good night (940) Bad night (3024)
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  I want a burrito.

  (1-541): View more from Oregon

  Truly, you are the voice of a generation.

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  (541): I want a burrito. (1-541): Truly, you are the voice of a generation. http://tfl.nu/xqng
  Replies (9) Good night (2718) Bad night (656)
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.

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  (813): You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon. http://tfl.nu/vfo5
  Replies (7) Good night (927) Bad night (1596)
• Favorite

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.

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  (405): Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast. http://tfl.nu/xva7
  Replies (5) Good night (2495) Bad night (596)
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?

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  (303): Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself? http://tfl.nu/1puu
  Replies (6) Good night (1675) Bad night (525)
• Favorite

  (985): View more from Louisiana

  No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.

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  (985): No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did. http://tfl.nu/hp4k
  Replies (3) Good night (665) Bad night (343)
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!

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  (319): No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy! http://tfl.nu/f6zv
  Replies (10) Good night (563) Bad night (460)
• Favorite

  (661): View more from California

  This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.

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  (661): This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas. http://tfl.nu/nydy
  Replies (4) Good night (770) Bad night (489)
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.

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  (303): I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety. http://tfl.nu/yo47
  Replies (3) Good night (682) Bad night (324)
• Favorite

  (571): View more from Virginia

  I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it

  (812): View more from Indiana

  You had 10 drinks. On a first date.

  (571): View more from Virginia

  I just masterbated then started bawling.

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  (571): I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it (812): You had 10 drinks. On a first date. (571): I just masterbated then started bawling. http://tfl.nu/gbak
  Replies (2) Good night (391) Bad night (846)
• Favorite

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.

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  (601): Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried. http://tfl.nu/j3wq
  Replies (4) Good night (190) Bad night (461)

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