White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
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He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
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I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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