Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
