i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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