im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
