mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
