mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
