I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
