So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
