Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
