Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
