there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
