$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
