i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
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Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
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I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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