Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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