I hate your face
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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