I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
