nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
