it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
