you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
