nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
