hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
