YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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