I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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